Three weeks ago I was doing okay, no in fact I was doing better than okay. I was in a new job, a new routine, I was driving up the M27 every day, catching the park and ride bus, I was learning so much. I was back being me and loving being back at work and meeting new people. Yes I was tired and fitting everything in, was taking the skills of a juggling acrobat. But I was coping. Even my mum had said I was doing brillantly well and that is high praise indeed.
I had been watching the world news and I knew Corona was out there. It was like watching some huge Hollywood blockbuster called Pandemic. It all seemed a little unreal if honest. I don’t know whether I truly thought it wouldn’t invade here and creep in and take over our lives or whether I wanted my new normal life to continue. To think if someone sneezed or coughed at work we joked and asked if they had corona.
Suddenly out of nowhere as the news escalated, I became fearful, anxious and frightened for my health.On the Sunday 15th March 2020 I came to the decision inorder to preserve my life I needed to self isolate.I knew due to the chemotherapy I had endured that I was prone and that my immune system was poor. I had to take action.So I contacted work and asked to work at home due to my vulnerability and my anxiety. Luckily for me I have the type of bosses who care and totally understood myanxiexty and fears.
I couldn’t believe that my 19 month battle with cancer which was over would now be challenged by a huge virulent killer.
Then life changed and rapidly too. Life as we knew it was shutting down. The Prime Minister would announce new rulings live at 5p.m.on T.V. and by the morning that was the new way. A week later my work colleagues were now working from home, my son’s school was closed, my husband’s place of work (charity holiday home for the disabled) was taken over by the NHS and my Brownie pack meetings had to cease until further notice. Covid 19 became the topic of conversation everywhere.
When I made the decision to self isolate I was thinking two weeks maybe three. Then the Government sent the text which stated I had to ‘shield’ for 12 weeks and no going out. God that hit me hard. I was cross and angry I had fought so hard to get back on my feet.How dare this virus trap me in my own home. Then add in working from home, home schooling and the one that hurt the most not seeing my mum and dad.
Then the discussion should my husband be at home with me?We consulted the GP who referred us to the Covid 19 website but that was not clear. So at the moment we have some strict rules about when he comes home i.e. handwashing, clothes in washing machine and a shower.
So I hit a low and after a trying day working at home.I lost it and broke down and sobbed. I was cross at the unfairness I was angry I couldn’t step into my garden. I didn’t want this life because it really sucks. People really understood how I felt.
Then a ray of hope dropped on my door mat. The letter from the government that said I could go out in my garden but no further. It was only a small thing but meant the world to me. My garden had been my happy place during my cancer treatment and now it was to become a life line again.
I have on my journey learnt the art of self talk particularly when I am anxious. So I sat down and thought andthen felt a huge wave of guilt.Here I was being asked to stay at home to protect my health when people were putting their health and lives at risk everyday. I thought about the paramedics, the health professionals and all levels of hospital staff, the emergency services, the teachers, learning support assistants and site staff, the delivery drivers, the social workers, the retail workers and so many more. All these people were ensuring life could carry on, or tending the sick or protecting the vulnerable. I am full of gratitude for these amazing individuals. So I stuck my smile back on and got back to a new normal life.
I am missing life being able to pop to the shop, go for a walk, sit and look at the sea, pop to my mum and dad’s, going to friends, going to work and my Brownies too. Hey, hopefully in 12 weeks time I can resume life and boy it will be so overwhelming I think. Please expect tears.
One thought on “Cancer versus Corona”
Hi Michelle, I totally understand. My stage 4 diagnosis was nearly 3 years ago, but I haven’t received a letter yet. My oncologist said all cancer patients would get one, but I so don’t want one. i don’t want that label, for whatever the reasoning behind it.
I miss my 2 Brownie packs too., although I am saving lots of admin time as I give over many hours to the planning & admin. Not even sure if I should start planning for the Autumn term yet.
Keep positive & more importantly keep well….
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