What, Where Next?

Sorry again thought I had posted. So here I am 15 months post diagnosis, post surgery, post chemotherapy,post radiotherapy with 2 more target therapies, a heart scan, an oncology consultation and a breast clinic appointment to go.Then I will be discharged. This feeling is so frightening.It is like being abandoned in a huge dark forest with no idea what to do next or where to go. Suddenly all your support is gone and you are just on your own. You want to scream but who will hear you? You want to run but who to?

The person in the forest looking for answers is me but a new me. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I catch a glimpse of the old me but this is me now; new hair, new complexion (normally rosy from hot flushes), a little slimmer, with battle scars surrounding my breasts, radiotherapy tattoos and portacath scars. The hardest scars to deal with are the emotional ones left behind.

To help me deal with this I am now 26 months post diagnosis and I have some counselling. The focus of my counselling is to relive the journey but focus on how I felt. In the sessions I have found I am able to remember the tiny details which might seem insignificant to anyone esle but not to me. I found these sessions so helpful and they allow me to reflect in a safe way. Don’t misunderstand it is not all flowers and smiles there has been tears and times of silence when I can’t sprak for fear of choking on my tears. But I am calmer and less emotional.

I would urge you if you have a family member or friend going through this please ask the uncomfortable questions . How is this making you feel? Are you angry? Fearful? What are you hoping for? Are you scared? No one asked me those questions and I am only exploring them now.

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